About The Proverbs

Credits to E for bringing this topic up while we were having drinks at the Crazy Elephant...

Credits to B for bothering to look it up on the web and printing the damn list out for me...

I'll be nice and post a little warning up as well... Don't bother clicking through if you're some prissy, uptight schmuck. You'll either end up having an aneurysm or a heart attack.

Dirty-Proverbs.com

Side note to the gang who were at the Crazy Elephant with me: Check out the damn statistics on the page. I can't believe the number of people who've actually done some of this shit! Christ on a crutch!

Side note to EK: Good luck with the exams dude... Hopefully this provides some of the stress relief you seek... I'm not responsible, however, if it grosses you out so much, you can't study. :P

About The Brooding

Yes, it's been a long time between blog entries. I haven't had the inclination to write much, despite the numerous blog-worthy happenings around me.

My PC at home has been revived - many thanks to B, who fixed me a whole new computer (Side note to B: Happy birthday in advance boyo! *grins*) - but I seem to find my focus drawn towards the inane (like playing The Sims 2 for hours on end) instead of the profound... Not that "Absolutely April" has been chock-a-block with substance anyway. :P

Going off tangent here, but I find myself brooding quite a bit recently...

I hope that the new direction I've decided to take professionally is the right 1. I need to shake off the lethargy that has seemingly overwhelmed me in the last few months... Hopefully, a change of environment will do me good.

I hope to god I'm actually moving forward in other aspects of my life, instead of allowing myself to muck around in a self-created rut. I'm not sure yet how successful I've been in this... I'm guessing I'll find out in due time.

I hope the people around me find happiness. The kind that gives you happy wriggles in your tummy and lets you wake up every morning feeling as if you're basking in autumn sunshine. (Side note to the 2 who've just returned from their trip, especially Missdurh: I hope you guys had a bloody blast! :) I miss you babe... Life in the office just hasn't been the same without your laughter...)

Oh... And last but not least...

I hope we all get a big, FAT, bonus this year... My bank account could use a little pick-me-up...

:P

About Simple Amusements

It's amazing the stuff you hear on a day-to-day basis.

Heading for Splits-ville...
The Chick: "I don't think this is working out. I want to break up, but I'm too sleepy right now... Call you tomorrow?"
The Receiving End: "..."

Heading back to kindergarten...
Me: "If you want the brochure to be a square, the largest possible size we can fit in is 25 by 25 cm."
Client Nooby: "Ah? Can it go any bigger?"
Me: "Well, we could enlarge it to 25 by 30cm..."
Client Nooby: "Oh. Is that still a square?"
Me: "..."

Heading towards the end of patience...
Stupid cow: "I still don't understand..."
Sarky cow: "Oh my godddddddd, how the hell do you manage to put your bra and panties on in the morning??? And all by yourself too!!! It's bloody remarkable!!!"
Stupid cow: "..."

Yes, I'm trying to find a dose of amusement in the most mundane things. It's either that or stand in the middle of Beach Road and pray that I get run over by a Proton Saga.

I wanna go home. :(

About The 3rd Kind

Ok. I've heard of monosexual. I've heard of homosexual. I've heard of bisexual.

But trisexual?!

trisexual
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: pertaining to having sex with males, females, and one's self

Source: Webster's New Millennium™
Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.6) Copyright © 2003-2005 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC

How the fuck does one have sex with one's self?!?!?! Does masterbation count?!?!?! Call me "suaku", but I've never heard of anyone being trisexual before. Hahaha...

Hmmm... You learn something new everyday.

(Credit to M who told me about this...)

About Ghostbusting

I've never been the sort to question the presence of supernatural, neither am I arrogant enough to believe that we are alone in our existence... But this article I came across in the 28 October 2005 issue of I.S was a liiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit too farfetched, even for me...

Click on the image to view the article in its full size...

My favorite bits of the whole interview?

Q: How did you get started in this line of work?
A: I was cursed about 10 years ago, puking mosquitos and being tormented by spirits.

My comments: Someone should dig deeper into this guy's background... Maybe our recent dengue epidemic wasn't due to simple human negligence, eh? :P

Q: Who are your main clients?
A: My clients include engineers, managers, pilots, air stewards or stewardesses, and prostitutes from China.

My comments: Haaaaaaaaaahahaha. Apparently, in the spirit world, there is very little distinction between blue-collar workers, white-collar workers and whatever-damn-color-collar category China prostitutes fall under...

Q: What is the most memorable exorcism?
A: It has to be at a modelling agency on Marshall Road. The pet tortoises would disappear and reappear of their own accord...

My comments: Wah piang. I am sooooooooo tempted to make some TMNT joke here. Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, Raphael... *does kungfu move* Haaaaaaaaai-yah! Did the agency have an office rat too? Turtle power would never be complete without Splinter after all... :P

A: We took photographs that revealed the face of a monkey ghost. I conducted a ritual to help the owner ask for 4D numbers and warned the ghost not to be too playful.

My comments: Uh huh. Like that's gonna work. "Here nice ghostie-wostie... You better be good or I'm gonna smack you silly with my big, fat Chinese talisman... Oh. And even though I just threatened to whoop your ass, how about helping me strike it rich?" Sheeeeeeeeesh...

Q: So what does Chairman Mao think of the current politics between Taiwan and China?
A: I do not dare ask about his personal affairs.

My comments: God! Can this guy spell S-C-H-I-Z-O-P-H-R-E-N-I-A??? And I have to ask... How the holy hell do political relations between Taiwan and China qualify as "personal affairs"?!?! *falls off chair*

Q: What are some forms of the different types of ghosts you have met?
A: I have met female ghosts mostly - they are the most vicious, especially those dressed in red.

My comments: This guy's evidently a believer of the "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" theory... :P

A: Ghosts can take the form of children and men as well.

My comments: Duh. Borrrrring... I would have been more impressed if he'd said that he'd seen a elephant ghost with 4 heads and 12 eyes, dressed in a ballet tutu, dancing the fucking Macarena on a tightrope... Or something to that extent.

Q: Do you have any advice for budding exorcists reading our magazine right now?

My comments: Budding exorcists in this day and age? Gee, that's an admirable aspiration. "Yes mum, please send me to University. I need to get a degree so that I can hound monkey ghosts into letting me strike the lottery!" :P

Oh yeah. This could be me being a bitch, but I think that the article's English is a little off the mark. Then again, what am I talking about... The whole damn article's off the mark. Hahaha... Kudos to I.S, the reporter, and our local Ghostbuster Chew Yong Zhen though... Reading this damn piece has considerably brightened up my evening. Wonder if this Chew dude has a localized version of Slimer... I've always liked Slimer. :P

About The Ka-put

Just a quick note...

My comp at home has up and died on me again so I'm not gonna be blogging much till I either...
1) Find the freaking dough to get a new comp...
2) Some kind soul decides to help me fix that fucking useless piece of junk...

Grrr... Leaving the office now... I am so bloody sick of 15-hour days.

About The CD Victory

It's been a long, bloody battle but... 15 months, 2 concerts and 7 failed attempts later, I finally got my hands on a copy of "November Chopin"! Wooot! Go Jay baby!

To be honest, I seriously thought I was gonna lose it totally when the 5th CD shop I walked into today told me they were out of stock. I mean... Commmmmmmme on... I've hit every single music store in Clementi, Beach Road and half of Orchard Road! Don't you morons at CD-RAMA and Sembawang Music have the fucking brains to stock up with more than 5 CDs a piece?!?!?! It's Jay-Goddamn-Chou we're talking about! Crikey! Common sense people!!! Jeeeeeeeesus...

Thank god for HMV. :P

*wipes spittle of chin and takes a breath to restore some semblance of sanity*

Anyway, know how they say that music soothes the savage beast? The album's on repeat and I'm starting to relax a little... Hahaha...

Still not totally over the fucking trauma of my Crap-menti Central experience though. Urgh. :P

Side note to Missduhr: New "November Chopin" wallpapers I found on Jay-Chou.net, just in case you wanna "decorate" the comp @ your new office. Haaaaaa... All 1024 x 768 in size. I've got #3 on mine already. *drooooooooool*
Wallpaper 1
Wallpaper 2
Wallpaper 3
Wallpaper 4
Wallpaper 5
Wallpaper 6
Wallpaper 7
Wallpaper 8

About "Crap-menti" Central

Can someone please remind me (If I should ever decide to move out...) to shift to a place where there's a HUGE ASS mall in the vicinity. Freaking Clementi Central sucks shit!

Why??? Oooh boy...

1) NO MUSIC SHOPS.

I walked around the whole damn "town" and the closest things I could find to a CD shop were a Video Ezy store that sold MTV DVDs and a miserable 2-table stall under a dirty awning, right smack next to a fruit vendor.

Not even bothering with the 1st option, I edged my way around a crate of watermelons, got elbowed by 2 ladies haggling over the price of durians and waved like crazy to get the stall owner's attention. He was, however, too engrossed in the Chinese porn-ish tabloid magazine draped over his lap. Finally, I spoke up, raising my voice to several decibals above the techno Christmas carols blasting out of the speaker next to me.

Me: Uncle...
Stall owner: *continues to gawk at magazine page featuring Chinese woman with big breasts*
Me: *screeches* UNNNNNNNCLE!!!
Stall owner: *looks up and blinks* Har? Ya? (Translated: What? Yes?)
Me: Do you have Jay Chou's new album?
Stall owner: Har? What new burm? You say what Jay?
Me: *bites inside of cheek in attempt not to roll eyes* 请问有没有周杰伦的新专辑?
Stall owner: Orh. 那边! (Translated: Overe there!) *points to a random spot on the table in front of me*

I edge over, trying to avoid the water dripping off the awning as well as the big murky puddles around the table. After I spend a couple of minutes searching, the idiot reaches over and throws a CD in front of me...

Stall owner: Nor! Dis one lor! (Translated: There! This one!)
Me: 嗯... 这张是他旧的专辑, 我要找的是<11月的萧邦>. (Translated: This is an older album, the 1 I'm looking for is called "November Chopin".)
Stall owner: Har? What bang?
Me: 专辑叫<11月的萧邦>! (Translated: The album is called "November Chopin"!) *curses as some fucking wanker stomps by, splashing dirty puddle water all over*
Stall owner: 噢... 没有货了... 你明天回来啦! (Translated: Oh! No more stock already... Come back tomorrow lah!)
Me: ...
Stall owner: *goes back to drooling over scantily-clad women*

2) NO DAMN TOILETRIES.

I was flat out of tampons and a shitload of other toiletries, so I made my way over to Watsons intending to stock up for both home and the office. I walked in... And promptly tripped over a loose tile on the floor. After a rather indignified attempt at righting myself, I made my way over to the sanitary pad "section"... And found myself frowning at the "huuuuuuuuuuuge" selection of products they had, stacked haphazardly on 2 shelves.

Kotex. Sofy. Laurier. Whisper. Pads. Pads. Pads. Pads. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Where the fuck was the Tampax or O.B?

Grumbling under my breath, I walked (Very carefully!) over to the cashier to ask where their tampons were stocked, only to realize that "she" was actually an old Malay man with greasy long-ish hair. Ick. No fucking way.

I looked around... The only other "option" I had was a skinny, pimply-faced Chinese dude (Where the fuck were all the women salespeople?! And why do all the guys look like they're in desperate need of a shower?!), who was busy re-stocking the deodorant shelf. Deciding that he was the lesser of 2 evils, I tiptoed my way around the baskets surrounding him and waggled my fingers in front of his oily-looking specs.

Me: Excuse me... *waggles fingers*
Oily dude: Yesh? Canhelpchu? (Translated: Yes? Can I help you?)
Me: I was just wondering where the tampons are... *smiles politely*
Oily dude: Errr.
Me: Ahmmm... You do sell tampons, right?
Oily dude: Tammmm... Ponnnns... Errr... Ahhh... Tammm... Hmmm... Use for what ah?
Me: ...
Me: *takes deep breath and struggles not to gag* Nevermind. Thank you.
Oily dude: Errr. *goes back to arranging bottles of deodorant*

Unfortunately, after about 5 minutes, I had no choice but to interrupt him again.

Me: *waggles fingers in front of oily-looking specs* I'm sorry, but do you sell talcum powder?
Oily dude: Har? What powder ah?
Me: You know... Body powder? Like Johnsons Baby Powder?
Oily dude: Orrrrrrr. No. Dunhaf. (Translated: Oh. No. Don't have.)
Me: Ok... What about Biore Pore Packs?
Oily dude: Dunhaf.
Me: Ooooook... And do you carry any brand of toothpaste besides Colgate?
Oily dude: Dunhaf.
Me: ...

I vaguely remembered that there was a Guardian Pharmacy on the other end of Clementi Central and decided to try my luck there instead... Unfortunately, all I got was a horrid sense of deja vu.

Me: Hi... Do you sell talcum powder?
Oily chick: Dunhaf.
Me: Biore Pore Packs?
Oily chick: Also dunhaf.
Me: *a little tiredly* What about toothpaste? Do you sell any other brand besides Colgate?
Oily chick: *irritated at my continuous questions* Nor!!! Corrr-gayte lor!!! (Translated: There! Colgate!)
Me: ...

3) NO BLOODY AIR CON.

Despite the sweltering heat, most of the shops had turned the air conditioning off, evidently in an attempt to cut back on their electric bills.

I walked into Watsons, Guardian Pharmacy, Video Ezy, Big Bookshop, Giordano, a VCD/DVD shop and 2 bakeries... And with the exception of the 1st 2 locations, I couldn't make myself spend more than 2 minutes inside each shop. The reason? Stuffy interiors, profuse sweating, a variety of body odours, oily-looking customers and even oilier-looking salespeople. Fucking gross...

4) NO MORE FREAKING CHICKEN.

Deciding that enough was enough, I decided to buy my dinner and head home. I'd developed a craving for chicken rice before leaving the house and I knew exactly which part of Clementi Central I wanted to buy it from.

Me to my maid as I left the house at 7pm: Don't bother cooking dinner for me, ok? I'll get my own dinner on the way back.

FYI, I don't eat breast meat and I prefer roast chicken. :P So there I was, 90 minutes later...

Me: Auntie... 烧鸡腿饭, 包的, 谢谢... (Translated: Roast chicken rice, drumstick, take away... Thank you.)
CRA (for Chicken Rice Auntie): 噢! 没有烧鸡了... (Translated: Oh! There's no more roast chicken...)
Me: 不要紧... 给我白鸡腿啦! (Translated: That's ok... I'll take white chicken drumstick.)
CRA: 嗯... 白鸡只剩鸡胸肉. (Translated: We only have breast meat left for the white chicken.)
Me: ...

*sniffs* All in all? Not a good day. After a quick cigarette at the butt ugly fountain outside McDonalds (I spent the entire 5 minutes stewing and fuming over how crappy the entire place was), I couldn't get home quick enough.

Me to my maid as I trudge in at 9pm: Hallo... I'm back. Is there anything to eat?
My maid: *indignent tone* No! I thought you said you were going to settle your own dinner? I didn't cook enough for you lah!
Me: That's ok... *sighs and plods despondantly to kitchen to make instant noodles*

30 seconds later...

Me: Ahmmm... No more noodles ah?
My maid: Oh! I think your brother ate the last pack this afternoon. I'll go down and buy some more later, ok?
Me: Ok. *forages sadly in cupboards for crackers and instant soup instead*

Brilliant way to end my day, don't you think?

2 words. Fucking A.

About The Voice

Dear April,

I hereby declare you the biggest idiot known to man. (Seeing that you work in advertising, that's saying a helluva lot!) Not only do you refuse to learn from past mistakes, you seem to revel in making the same ones over and over.

I regret to inform you that you have left me no choice but to bar you from seeking any form of sympathy for your actions. As of this moment, you may not seek the numbing effects induced by alcohol, nor may you look towards the comforting shoulders of friends. Any attempt to do so will result in severe repercussions.

To further emphasize my point, I would like to bring your attention to the word I have highlighted in blue. Kindly make an effort to commit it, its definitions and all its permutations to memory. I can only hope that it acts as a deterrant and gives you the presence of mind to do what needs to be done, should a similar situation ever arise in future.

stupid
adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est
1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.

Source: Acronym Finder, © 1988-2004 Mountain Data Systems

Main Entry: stupid
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: irresponsible
Synonyms: brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, dodo, doltish, dopy, dotterel, dull, dumb, dummy, foolish, futile, gullible, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, irresponsible, laughable, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, pointless, puerile, rash, senseless, short-sighted, simple, simple-minded, slow, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thickheaded, trivial, unintelligent, unthinking, witless

Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1), © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC.

I trust that my point is clear, and I strongly urge you to consider the consequences should you have an urge to defy my instructions once again.

In the meantime, I remain faithfully yours,
The Little Dude That Sits On Your Right Shoulder, aka The Smart Part Of You.