After much deliberation, I've finally figured out why I put myself through 2 hours of horror every Wednesday and Thursday... The show allows for me to bitch about total strangers - their lack of talent, looks, style and shame - and be totally justified in doing so. Everybody else is doing it and hell, these idiots set themselves up for it by screeching away like buffoons on international television anyway!
It makes you wonder though, how on earth these wackoids can think, even for a fucking second, that they can sing. I've lost count of the number of times I watch them burst into tears, fly into a rage or act dumbfounded when the judges (By the way... Go Cowell!) tell them that they suck. I mean... Hello?! Get a clue?!
I can only conclude that:
1) Many Americans are tone deaf.
2) Many Americans do not know that they are tone deaf.
3) Many Americans are severely delusional.
4) Many Americans do not respond well to truth and honesty, if it means that truth and honesty = criticism about oneself.
For those of you who're thinking of trying out for this year's Singapore Idol, here're a couple of tips from me. If you think they'll be useful, woop-dee-doo... Just don't tell me you went to try out. I seriously doubt our friendship could survive something like that. If you think all my babbling is a total waste of time, woop-dee-doo too... My blog. My babbling. My choice. Tough toasted titty. :P
What not to do to get the judges' attention... Don't...
1) Model yourself after some has-been... Monroe's been dead longer than you've been alive, not everyone looks like Nicole Kidman did in "Moulin Rouge" with fishnet stockings, and the only person who can pull a Foxy Cleopetra is Beyonce. Hey... I don't see you dating Jay-Z, do I? :P
2) Try too hard to stand out. There's a thin line between being unique and being plain ol' fucking queer. Especially when you do "Phantom of the Opera" dressed as a cross between Bozo the clown and Batgirl. Geez...
3) Take your funky obsessions for flora and fauna into the audition room. The term "fruitcake" does, in certain cultures, have negative implications. I also doubt the judges will be impressed at how you had to kill a Yeti just so you could deck yourself out in a new fur coat.
4) Even think about participating in the competition if you're above 30. Hey... If we wanted to see the likes of Paul McCartney and his fellow cronies with wobbly necks up there, we'd call it "Geriatric Idol", wouldn't we? G.I - Hmmm... Has a ring to it.
5) Dress-to-kill unless you're bloody sure it'll impress. Unless, in your books, "dressed-to-kill" means you blind onlookers with nauseating parades of flesh, squeezed into outfits 4 sizes too small, while you sing them to death.
6) Think that "dressed-to-kill" means wearing as little as possible just because you're thin. Trust me. The likelihood that the crass displays of flesh will distract the judges, as well as millions of viewers, from the fact that you're sadly lacking in talent is small. Slim to none actually.
7) Try to "make the earth move" when you don't have the voice to do so. You might just find the "sky tumbling down". Unless you're Mary Roach of course. Bleaaaaah...
The saving grace of the entire show...
Once in a while though, you get a diamond in the rough. Here's why I'm still watching Idol despite all of the above disasters. Call me shallow but hey, a girl's gotta have some eye candy around. And since "Desperate Housewives" is only on every Monday night...
I've always loved a man in uniform... ;)
He's got that bad-boy-rocker thing going for him... So even with a name like Constantine... Drooool.
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