About The Last Two & A Half

For some reason, this blog's revival has made me want to lay out the past 2.5 years in writing.

May 2007.

The Stiletto and I broke things off. He read this post, and just stopped calling. When I called him, we had words. To this day, I'm not sure what was said. I just know that when I hung up, it felt as if my world had bottomed out. Whatever anger I'd felt before was gone. What was left felt pretty much as if someone had taken a vegetable shredder to my insides before tying everything into choking knots.

I don't remember much of what happened after. I left my job and pretty much any semblance of what had been my life behind. Most days I wouldn't get out of bed. I ate when food was placed in front of me, slept when my eyes were too tired to stay open, bathed when my family shoved me into the shower. Mum broke down trying to get me to snap out of it, but I didn't care. I left my phone off and all emails/SMSes unanswered. I lost all concept of time, of day and night, and it was a good thing. As long as I was unaware, it didn't hurt. As long as it didn't hurt, I could cope. Television and the Internet were vital crutches - providing me with sources of 1-sided interaction, distractions that had become as necessary to my survival as oxygen.

Depression. It's such a melodramatic word, one I always thought was coined by a bunch of self-serving wimps looking to absolve themselves of any responsibility. Hear that gulping sound? That's me swallowing my own words.

Aug 2007.

Realisation that The Best Friend's birthday had come and gone without me even knowing it shocked me into partial awareness. We hadn't spoken in months. I called. It was awkward. The gap had grown so wide I didn't have a clue on how to bridge it.

Sep 2007.

The Stiletto was still everywhere I looked. Clothes in the closet, tubes in bathroom, places we use to go, music we use to play. Despite my recent resurface into the world of the living, I didn't want to deal with shovelling of debris from relationship-past yet. And so... I took the coward's way out. A 6-week trip to Quebec, where I met The Boy.

It hurt when I came back. Especially when the festive season rolled around. I struggled not to succumb to swamping feelings of loneliness. I thought about The Best Friend and Miss Jay, and prayed that they would call. They didn't. I could've called them. I didn't. I'm not sure why.

Jan 2008.

I finally cleared out The Stiletto's stuff. That included packing up all his clothes and throwing away his toothbrush. Then I sat down next to the bathroom sink and cried for an hour.

Apr 2008.

The Boy came to Singapore and ended up staying for 3 months. What I'd thought of as a rebound was working out to be way more than expected. Sometime during this extended vacation, I realised that I could deal with the thought with another relationship, even one that was going to be long distance. Not thinking about the past no longer required a conscious effort. And thinking about the future didn't crush me under a 10-ton weight of panic.

Aug 2008.

I started working again. And I found out that The Best Friend had gotten married. Apparently the breach was bad enough that I didn't merit an invitation. A part of me understood. Another part was completely shattered. It also got back to me that The Stiletto was seeing someone new. Inexplicably, it felt like salt was being rubbed into a festering wound.

Work, to an extent, was a godsend, as were the daily chats with The Boy, who had returned to Quebec and was already saving for his next trip back.

Nov 2008.

Things in the office took a quick and sudden down slide. People were laid off, workload tripled, and I was back to pulling 15-18 hour days / being stuck in the office till 4am.

Christmas came and went, as did the 1st few weeks of 2009. My life revolved mainly around keeping my head above water at work, where the situation had become pretty desperate. Once again I found myself questioning my professional judgement. Whatever had possessed me to return to a job that I loathed? Oh yes. That big, bad, 5-letter word - Money. :P

Jan 2009.

I got invited to a wedding of an old friend. And, as luck would have had it, found out that A, whom I hadn't seen in over 3 years, had been invited too. And of course, we ended up at the same table. The usual moves were made and deftly sidestepped, which, given my crappy track record with A, made the entire dinner a pretty significant event.

Mar 2009.

I received a call at 3am from The Best Friend. I'd seen her all of once in the last year. Our conversations, if you could call them that, had been limited to brief and somewhat stilted exchanges via MSN. It took less than 30 seconds for me to find out what was wrong and suddenly, nothing else mattered. Her reaching out somehow managed to bridge that gaping hole between us, perhaps not the way it was before, but nonetheless, I felt a reconnection. And it was like a drink of cool water I hadn't known I needed. The circumstances that brought it about sucked, but I guess that's what they mean when they say that every cloud has a silver lining.

Apr 2009.

I turned 31. And, having handed in my resignation the month before, was once again a lady of leisure. The Boy returned, and stayed till Sep. We talked about more concrete plans for "us", in between short jaunts to Bangkok, Perth, Penang and Phuket.

Dec 2009.

3 months after returning home, The Boy decided that come 2010, he'd move to my side of the world to find work.

Jan 2010.

Something tells me that this year is going to be different. I'm still trying to determine if it's "different - good" or "different - bad".

About The Early Years

Someone recently sent me an invitation to a Facebook Group created for the 1990 graduating class of my primary school. Upon joining, I was immediately assaulted with a slew of comments, friend requests and tags, most of which had me completely confuddled.

Is it strange that I don't remember 95% of my primary school classmates?

There's now talk about a meetup sometime in April. (Yeah. Harhar.) I never understood the reasoning behind the concept of a reunion. I mean, I haven't bothered to keep in touch the last 10-20 years... I can't remember your names, can barely remember your faces... Whatever makes you think I'd be interested in knowing what you're all up to now? -.-

About The Revival

It feels strange to be writing again after such a long hiatus. I'm not sure why I stopped. Perhaps I no longer felt comfortable about putting my emotions on display. Perhaps I didn't appreciate having my internal conflicts picked apart and misinterpreted by others.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps now that no one bothers to read this blog, it can once again be used as a forum for my thoughts.

Thoughts in which you still play a part.

About The Embrace

He held me as I cried.
As tears trickled down my cheeks,
I wept for all the things that couldn't be.

He held me as I cried.
As I stored each second away, hoarded each memory,
I willed for time to come to a stop.

He held me as I cried.
As much as he was hurting too,
He thought of nothing but my pain.

He held me as I cried.

About The Wait

As a by-product of 1 of the most dysfunctional families I know of... And being the cynical, jaded, realistic bitch that I am, I have never been a believer in long distance relationships. The whole "distance makes the heart grow fonder" thing was just a bunch of bullshit people who got involved in LDRs told themselves, in order to convince that their poor, pathetic little love storys stood a chance against the wear and tear of time and geography.

As I grow older, I'm forced to admit that there are instances that LDRs do work out. Rare... But hey, weird things do happen...

Not to me though.

It's been almost 10 months.

It was suppose to be 3.

3 slowly became 5.

At 5, you said it might drag out to 6.

At 6, you swore you'd be back at 7.

At 7, you stopped explaining.

I had stopped waiting long before that.

The last we spoke about this, you promised that you'd speak to the Powers That Be, to figure out what options we had open to us. That was 6 weeks ago. I've not heard you mention it since.

I know I should be fully supportive of you trying to build a career. I know you have responsibilities to fulfill. I know I shouldn't begrudge you the time you spend overseas, trying to make a living. I know the numerous delays were not within your control. However, I also know that to be together, we need to have a life together. Which goes beyond being in the same country for more than 5 days a month... What started as physical distance has long become emotional detachment, both on your part and mine. Short of demanding that you quit your job immediately, which I haven't, there's been little else I've been able to do but wait...

But...

I've never been the waiting sort. In my case, distance does not make the heart grow fonder... I seem to be more inclined towards the concept of "out of sight, out of mind".

So where does that leave us?

About The Roundabout

4th week into the new job, after a 5 month break... When I was offered the position, I couldn't think of a reason not to accept it. The client was one I was familiar with, the financial renumeration offered (That sounds so much cooler than "slave wages" or "salary", hah!) was pretty decent, and saying yes meant that I got to work with The Short One again. I figured I'd give it a shot.

At this point, I'm still debating if the decision to work on this account a 2nd time is a good one... After just 25 days, it's still too early to tell.

1 thing, however, was crystal clear from my 1st day on board. The Account Director I'm currently working with is a dick. He talks too much, and does too little. He is completely clueless about agency processes, and knows absolutely fuck-all about the client's business. He can't write a clear and concise brief, and he tries (Without success!) to pepper his speech with big words to make whatever he says sound important. He wastes hours on matters that don't require his attention, neglects issues that do, and then complains about being too swamped to cope. In short? He's incompetent, stupid, fat, self-inflating and utterly repulsive.

Breathe, April, breathe...

I take comfort in the fact that this Account Director's (Henceforth christianed "Dickhead"!) many, many shortcomings are glaringly obvious to all who work with him, including my big boss. So much easier for me and The Short One to shine when everyone has been exposed to his shit. Hah!

I wish it was Friday. :(

About Time For An Update

Yes, I'm still alive and no, I am not intending to close down this blog, despite the fact that my posts have dwindled down to nothing. The main reason for that? Life's been good... And I have little to bitch write about. :P

Oh. And by the way, I'm sick of people asking me when I'm going to get a job again. I'm not sponging off anybody yet, am I? Lemme alone! *grumbles*

Not much has changed since I last posted. Unlike Missdurh's exciting exploits in the States, my life consists of little more than lazing around at home and hanging out with The Stiletto. He leaves for HCM again in 5 days. I keep telling him he should bring back 1 of those Vietnam brides. $8,000 and you get a sex slave maid wife... Not a bad deal. :P

Speaking of a deal... I recently bought myself a new toy. *beams*

Quite reasonably priced too, seeing that I upgraded RAM, HDD and the graphics card. (Tech specs here, if you're interested.)

You know what this means... Uh huh... Final Fantasy on the go! Wooot! :D I know most of you aren't interested but what the hell, here're some of the screenshots I took during the recent Halloween Festival. I basically spent all my time running around getting special Halloween-themed items and getting turned into a variety of scary monsters. Heh...

Oh. And kudos for Plinc and Pink Martiny for finding this nifty slideshow thingie. Much easier and cooler looking than Photobucket when uploading multiple pictures. Heh...

About The Sloth

Another 1 of my sporadic posts...

It's been 3 weeks since I became a certified bum. And I must say that unemployment seems to suit me just fine, for the moment. I wake up at 11am... Have long, leisurely brunches... Potter around the house... Watch TV... Nap... Go for pedicures... Meet friends for dinner... Play Final Fantasy till my eyes bleed... Life doesn't get much better than this.

I did go for 1 job interview... Again for an advertising agency as an Account Manager on a FMCG account. My name was put forward by a couple of ex colleagues and the Group Account Director called me in last week. What I thought would be a 15 minute meeting stretched out to over 2 hours, with me meeting the Group Account Director, then the Regional Account Director, then the Associate Account Director and finally, the Managing Director. Meh.

I'm still waiting for them to get back to me but I doubt I'll take up the offer. The account and job scope don't interest me enough, and more importantly, I get bad vibes about the person who'll be my direct boss... He strikes me as a "dumper". Which is the last kind of person I want to be working for. Heh.

Anyway, I'm in no hurry to get a job. The Stiletto's up in Ho Chih Minh again for another month and I'm probably heading up sometime next week to spend a few days with him. Lots of holidays this year - Melbourne, Krabi, Phuket - and now Vietnam... I'm also hoping to be able to head to Bangkok around the end of the year too. :)

This is the life!

Ok people, back to Final Fantasy. Speaking of which, here're a few screenshots I took of myself in the game. Haha...


That's me. Sitting in my Mog House (residential area) and spacing out. Am I cute or what!


Me again, with The Stiletto's character, in the town of Kazham. I hate his armour... You can see his tits! Meh! Obscene! :P


Us again, in San d'Oria this time, wearing some ridiculous hats that we got from some quest or another. I look more ridiculous than he does, I think. Haha...


A few of us Tarutarus milling around Gustav Tunnel as we wait for the fighting to start. Legleos is a really nice Taru I've met on the game who's helped me tons. ;)


Weird sight I came across during my travels in West Ronfaure. Almost pissed in my pants laughing when I saw this. I think the dumb ol' sheep's stuck.


Heh, I love this shot of me fighting the Goobue in Pashhow Marshlands. I beat him too. Small but tough, that's me. ;)


This is my NPC (Non-Player Character) that I can summon once a day to fight with me. Yes, he has a weird name. Balu-Falu. I wasn't given many choices and this was the easiest to pronounce. Haha. Anyway, I kinda like it. :P


Since Jaddie's always been a mage of some sort, I decided to try my hand at being a warrior. Here's me in my level 1 armour. I hate it. Looks like I'm wearing metal diapers! Eeeeewwwww...


It gets better though. Here I am again (And I found myself a twin too!) in my level 10 warrior armour. I'm shorter than he is though. Meh.